This is a good question since the word is used as an umbrella to mean so many different things! I’ve asked myself this question over the years as a Clinical Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist with a concentration in Somatic Psychology. My graduate studies and PhD work focused on research in Attachment Science, Trauma, and Sex Therapy. I also have years of experience with 12 step work. 

   The word codependency seems to have originally come from Alcoholics Anonymous as a way to describe the negative effects on a person who has an addicted spouse. It seems to me to have always had a negative connotation. 

   I have observed that some emotional dependency is a natural part of all long term relationships. This seems especially true for women. Further attachment science demonstrates that there are both emotional and physiological aspects to this that are very real and powerful. Further, “character defects” like being controlling are normal and natural in human relationships especially when one of the partners is self harming such as with alcohol or drugs. Women tend to “mother” the men they are with and this is true of most women not just women with men with addiction issues. 

   So are all human relationships dysfunction? You could say that to a certain extent they are. Until we evolve spiritually and can love unconditionally there will always be a certain amount of “Co-dependence” and dysfunction in any human relationship. For example, God, the universe, Great Spirit or whatever you want to call our Creator is our source and whenever we look to a mere human to provide security and unconditional love we will usually be let down unfortunately. 

   The natural dysfunction of relationships does become accentuated when one partner is addicted or bonded to something else like alcohol, drugs, promiscuity or even workaholism. This accentuates the insecure avoidant dynamic also known as runners and chasers. However, this dynamic is certainly common in relationships without active addiction. Personality characteristics like being excessively possessive, controlling, and other character defects are common in people from dysfunctional families whether or not those families had addiction issues. 

     I look at Codependency from an Attachment Science or bonding perspective. The dynamic of one person attaching or bonding to a substance or addiction in a relationship creates or exacerbates insecurity in a relationship partner. It causes the addicted partner to become more unavailable and avoidant. Insecure and Avoidant are attachment styles created in childhood. Our attachment and bonding system is dynamic and always evolving and changing as we do. 

However, we do have persistent tendencies created in our first primary relationships and affected by our subsequent primary relationships. 

   Insecure or ambivalent and avoidantly attached people often end up together like magnets and they exacerbate each other’s tendencies resulting in runners and chasers. This is common in relationships without addiction and addiction simply complicates the picture. Just like addiction attachment styles run in families and addiction exacerbates avoidant and insecure attachment. 

   This is why I believe codependency should really be called insecure attachment. Unlike Codependency, Attachment has science to clearly articulate what it is and why is it and therefore less stigma. We know that insecure attachment is normal, natural and caused by multiple factors like genetics, temperament and early childhood experiences. 

   The problem with using codependency is it is vague and has a negative stigma. Someone who already has insecure attachment and also has the misfortune of ending up in a relationship with an avoidant and addicted partner certainly does not need further stigma and low self esteem as a result of choices and circumstances that may have been beyond their control. 

   This is not to knock 12 step work. 12 step programs like AA and Alanon can be life saving and full of wisdom while unfortunately not incorporating the newer attachment science and still relying on somewhat outdated and confusing concepts like Codependency. 

   I am an Attachment trained Therapist and Coach for ambitious women who want to master sex and relationship dynamics so they can experience The Love of Their Life and be more successful in every area of life. Blessed Be Dear Ones.